Peace.

I'm sitting here listening to Ryan sleep, or try to sleep in between coughs. Hes been asleep since 4.45pm, its 8.10pm. Its very rare for him to be asleep at this time, usually it means hes pretty sick. JB's been really sick for these past few days, hes been in bed with a fever, aches and pains, and a barking cough. Ryan seemed to be doing ok, although hes had the off and on runny nose since getting back from Ireland hes been holding his own. All that changed today, hes got a fever of 102 and quite a substantial cough. Ugh. This is when I really hate the fact hes undiagnosed for some reason. After his hospital stays this year I cant just let myself sit back and think, "Agh, its just the flu, 2 more days and he will be right as rain" If 2010 taught me anything it was that it can all go downhill very quickly. If he had a diagnosis we would have some sort of baseline of what to look out for when he gets sick, but we don't, and not to be overly dramatic or anything but I feel I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop! We don't know whats up with that little brain / body of his. I see weird things going on all the time that don't make any sense. Sometimes his right eye turns in, or wanders around. Sometimes he just doesn't seem as with it as normal. I have no clue whats going on inside him that's contributing to this stuff. What makes him really crash when he gets sick. My hope and prayer for 2011 is that something or someone will point us in the right direction. I need some PEACE with this diagnosis stuff. I'm tired of the not knowing, of wondering, of waiting, tired of the big white elephant in the room. Would a diagnosis change anything about Ryan, probably not. He will still be that very sweet, happy go lucky, easy going, huggable little boy hes growing up to be. But I want to know whats wrong with my child! If all his little idiosyncrasies and mysteries are part of a much bigger diagnosis. I want to know if something more worrisome is lurking round the corner. Ugh, i just want to know. Is it really too much to ask?